15 Things We Could Do With $15 Million In 15 Days By Sonala Olumhense

If you have yet to hear the
joke: here it is: The
chairman of the Economic
and Financial Crimes
Commission (EFCC) is
offered the sum of $15
million as bait by a certain
widely-known former
governor.
His name: Nuhu Ribadu, and
his actual word: bribe.
Mr. Ribadu takes the money
to the Central Bank of
Nigeria to be used as
evidence. Apparently, the
EFCC lacked the height or
depth or breadth for that
kind of money, or perhaps
for that kind of currency.
In any event, all of this takes
place in the presence of
another senior official of the
EFCC. His name: Ibrahim
Lamorde. Mr. Ribadu and
Mr. Lamorde are currently
employed by the
government, where Mr.
Lamorde chairs the EFCC.
Despite this “family”
relationship, there is a
“mystery” about the loot:
where it came from, who
gave it to whom, and for
what purpose. It is not clear
whether anyone received a
receipt or who may have
signed it.
Viewed this way, it is even
more amazing to me that
there are such few claimants
of this money. I am
astonished there aren’t more
businessmen; contractors;
former governors; Senators,
ancient and modern; or
Senior Advocates of Nigeria
wearing their wives’
bleached wigs.
Think about it: there may
have been no electricity at
that material time to sign
the receipt, or to pick it up if
it fell down. The corridors of
our courtrooms, like the
roads to the presidential
palace and to the bedroom
of the Inspector General of
Police, ought to be jammed
with affidavit-wielding
claimants.
Partly because of this
situation, some people are
asking: what should be done
with the money?
If ours were not such a
hilarious comedy club, I
would have joined those
compatriots eager to offer
innovative quick-impact
proposals in poverty
alleviation, education and
health.
But experience teaches us
that in 15 days, our $15
million—like Abacha’s $2.5
billion loot—would have
disappeared in a puff of
hilarity, leaving behind only
embarrassment for all who
took the matter seriously.
Here, therefore, are 15 ways
of spending the money that
will keep our country united
but not necessarily
advancing:
1: Give the money to
Olusegun Obasanjo. Here is
a man who knows how to
hold water in a basket and
credibility in a bucket, and
never have his head
inspected for noise or his
agbada for termites. With
$15m in new money,
instead of buying Transcorp
shares, he will buy
Transcorp. Instead of
running a farm in Otta, he
will make Otta his farm.
Instead of watching Nigeria
travel all the way to Australia
to print controversial new
Naira bills with Securency,
he will print the money at
the foot of Eko Bridge.
Instead of having to use
MMA, the same airport
where he was beaten up by
a young man with fists of
stone two years ago, he will
build an international airport
behind his home in
Abeokuta and become a
one-man tourist destination.
2: Give it to the Peoples
Democratic Party. A good
umblella does not develop
holes, and it is ridiculous
that Africa’s largest party
should run out of money.
Only three months ago, the
PDP was roasted alive in Edo
State, and unless we help
them, that could become a
streak.
3: Give it to Tony Anenih. I
mean, this man has suffered
enough. First, he faced the
indignity of being called
upon to account for N400
billion he received as
Minister of Works. But he
then also became Chairman
of the PDP Board of Trustees
only to be cast aside
overnight by Obasanjo. But
for President Goodluck
Jonathan, he would have
remained on the fringes of
the party. Give him the $15
million for his pain and
suffering, and watch him
light up the PDP again.
4: Give it to all of the
nation’s Ministers of Works
in the past 30 years.
Among other achievements,
they have made construction
of the Lagos-Benin Road a
perennial, perpetual and
permanent enterprise.
5: Give the money to Diezani
Allison-Madueke, the
Minister of Petroleum
Resources. To begin with,
this woman was never
rewarded as Minister of
Works for her memorable
Nollywood performance of
mixing cement with her tears
one afternoon, and her eyes
are still swollen. Since then,
she has also labored in vain
at Petroleum Resources
simply watching the nation’s
wealth travel around her. It
is an insult that she is not
even among the 123
Nigerians recently reported
to have spent billions of
Naira on private jets.
6: Give it to Stella Oduah,
the Minister of Aviation.
This is the woman who
“mistakenly” suspended the
licence of Dana Airline after
the June air crash. She has
now helped Nigeria borrow
N106 billion from China to
develop 11 of our airports.
She announced two weeks
ago that some of these
mysterious airports are
being “remodeled;” have
reached 80 percent
completion and will soon be
in operation. All of this is
happening while Murtala
Muhammad Airport rots and
is managed worse than the
average motor park.
7: Give the money to David
Mark, President of the
Senate. This former Minister
of Communications it was
who, last October, expressed
public “anger” that the
executive arm of the
government had simply
ignored the collapse of
NITEL and NIPOST. Mr.
Mark, deeply aware of how
and when all public
institutions decay or are
shared by the privileged, is
now “angry” again, calling for
the heads of those
responsible for the decay of
the National Stadium in
Abuja.

8. Give it to members of the
Senate. Each of them would
only receive a small change
of about $100,000—perhaps
not even enough to buy a
new LandCruiser—but it
would demonstrate we
recognize their importance.
We have never given them
anything, because all they
have is what they have
taken.

9: Give it to Ibrahim Jimoh,
a titan of Nigerian business
who has hit a road bump.
The $15 million would help
him to buy a new road map
and serve as a reminder that
the PDP invests in its own.

10: Give it to Professor
Soludo, the former Governor
of the CBN. The money
arrived during his tenure,
and he was never rewarded
for anything, including his
genius with the Africa
Finance Corporation or his
decongestion on the couch
of the American
ambassador. Or perhaps to
Lamido Sanusi, his
successor, who stays awake
to make sure the money is
all there and has not been
replaced with 419
counterfeit bills.

11. Give the money to the
person who coined the term,
“Transformation Agenda.”
His is a gold mine that yields
diamonds as well.

12. Give the money to
Michael Aondoakaa, the
former Attorney General.
He is the only person in the
Jonathan Years ever to have
been kicked aside with
ignominy, but that was
before the smoke cleared.
$15m would be a nice
apology.

13. Give it to Sani Ahmed
Yerima, the former
champion of Sharia law who
parlayed his governorship of
Zamfara State into a Senate
chair, and then took a child
bride. This man has never
been honoured for the way
he embodies the prevailing
values of our political elite.

14. Give the money to the
man who draws up the
annual National Honours
List. This man should run
the electoral commission.

15. Give the money to
President Jonathan, who has
worked so hard that in his
first year Nigeria’s debt
profile rose to N1.21tn. It
will demonstrate our
appreciation that he doesn’t
give a damn.

*sonala.olumhense@gmail.com

#CONSENSUS 2015