How To Say Happy Birthday To A Governor’s Wife By Ogaga Ifowodo

Mrs. Obioma Imoke is 50 years old
and I wish her well, just as I wish all
the fellow citizens who marked their
golden anniversary on earth that
same day. Mrs. Imoke is the wife of
the governor of Cross River State,
Liyel Imoke, formerly a senator. The
whole world knows about her
birthday because half of the
eighteen local governments in her
state bought full-page adverts in a
national daily on Saturday, 5
January 2013, to congratulate her. I
bought only two papers on that day,
so I don’t know if the odes to vanity
appeared in other dailies. They did
not appear in The Chronicle, the
state-owned newspaper, for the
simple reason that it has long been
run aground. Not that it would be all
right if the adverts had been placed
in the state newspaper. Nor if they
were to congratulate the governor
himself, or some other high public
office holder, on the occasion of a
birthday or other purported
achievement. And I should add that
I am writing about Mrs Imoke by
pure happenstance: the culture of
squandering tax-payers’ — sorry, oil
money — on our public servants
and spouses is not new.
The nine local governments that
lavished praise and prayers on Mrs
Imoke paid top money to appear in
colour. To make it all official, each
advert was embossed with the
official coat of arms and the portrait
of its chairman: Barrister (Mrs)
Josephine Effiom, chairman (sic),
Akpabuyo LGA; Hon. Linus Obe Ede
(Bekwarra); Hon. Jonas Obi Otu
(Boki); Dr Ekpo Ekpo Bassey
(Bakassi); Hon. Ekeng Nsa Henshaw
(Calabar South); Rt. Hon. (Ntufam)
Eta Mbora, Mayor (Calabar
Municipal); Hon. Denis Nkiri
(Akamkpa); Hon. Dr. Emil Inyang
(Biase) and Hon. Francis Ettah (Abi).
It is obvious that they meant to
honour themselves as well, hence
the insistence on displaying their
portraits below the celebrant’s. It is
also why they were careful to
include every honorific title they
could claim — note how there is no
simple Mr or Mrs among them and
how everyone is a Barrister, Doctor,
Right Honourable or Honourable. If
the governor’s wife was marking the
incredible and astonishing
achievement of attaining 50 years
of age, the local government top-
dogs were celebrating the power of
office, of unaccountability, for which
our country is deservedly famous.
But not so much as to lose all sense
of proportion, thus the praise poetry
of non-achievement. Here is Hon.
Ettah’s poem (in its derogatory
sense of vaporous nonsense),
penned and self-published at the
cost of over N560,000, the going
rate of a full-page colour advert.
“You’ve reached such a milestone in
your life. Reaching 50 years is really
a huge deal. Take this time to
recount all the blessings you have
received in life. And at the same
time the chances for you to look
forward to the next years ahead.
Happy birthday!”
Or take this other poem: “They say
that 50th celebrations are the
‘Golden Boys/Girls’ (sic). Well, that
certainly is true because, like gold,
you are a real precious treasure to
us. Keep spreading your warm spirit
to everyone around you (sic), and
may you have more birthdays to
come. Happy 50th Birthday!” Hon.
Henshaw could hardly believe his
luck of breathing the same air as
the governor’s wife, so this short
lyric: “We hope that in your 50
years of existence, you will realize
how awesome a person you are and
how thankful we are for having you
in our lives.” She will, of course,
have to relive each of those years in
order to do so, but no matter! The
only regret that Henshaw,
purporting to speak for all of the
people of his Calabar South LGA,
has is that the governor’s wife is
just too modest. So he pleads,
“Appreciate yourself more!” Yes,
please do, Your Excellency, for
God’s sake, do!
I will not trouble you with the six
other praise poems. I could abide
such poetry of sycophancy if only
their authors could claim to have
mastered their medium, English in
this instance, but I suppose poor
grammar is a necessary
complement of atrocious ethics and
governance.
But to the bigger issue. The nine
full-page congratulatory adverts, at
about N560,000 each, come to a
whopping N5 million. But that is
beer money in a country where
government speaks only in billions
and trillions. I don’t know what a
local government chairman in this
age of reckless and unaccountable
government can do with half a
million naira. If in the position of any
of these nine birthday poets,
however, I would think of a primary
school in need of a few more desks
and books; or a community health
centre that can serve as a proper
dispensary and ante-natal clinic; or
street and neighbourhood
improvement. I would think of any
number of things to do with the
money in a country where more
than half the population and nearly
seventy percent of the youth are
unemployed, where the minimum
wage is N18,000. Anything but
buying a half-million-naira birthday
card for a governor’s spouse who
does not need the fawning
adulation. Unless, of course, she
does. For who supplied those
private photos of “Her Excellency” in
various poses?
I think that all nine chair-persons of
the local governments that
squandered the people’s money on
advertisements for themselves in
tribute to ego and sycophancy
should be compelled to replenish
the public purse.

omoliho@gmail.com