If Mandela Were A Nigerian By Okey Ndibe

If Nelson Mandela were a Nigerian, he
would never be treated in a hospital
within his country. God forbid! At the
slightest sign of ill health, he would
be airlifted to a hospital in Germany,
the UK, the US, France, or Saudi
Arabia. Any Nigerian doctor who
comes close to him – much less touches
him – would immediately be arrested
and charged with treason. An SSS
interrogator would ask the hapless
doctor, “You dey craze? So you wan
kill de man?”
If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, not
only would he be in a foreign hospital,
he would commandeer an entire wing
of the said hospital. No government
official would ever give Nigerians
updates on his progress or prognosis.
Hell, no! In fact, the only statement
the government would ever issue is to
deny that the man is hospitalized.
Some spokesman would insist that the
old man went abroad on vacation, to
get some well deserved rest. You see,
Nigerian officials – from the
president down to the municipal
chairman – are fond of boasting that
they’ve “totally transformed”
Nigeria, this or that state, or this
local government area or another. Yet
the last thing these human
transformers would ever do is take a
vacation in the country they’ve
ostensibly transformed!
If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, a
league of pastors and imams would
take to the press each day to tell us
what “God” allegedly told them about
the man’s condition. One pastor – or
imam – would say God told him to
warn Nigerians to pray interminably
and fast furiously to ensure the ailing
elder’s survival. Another would declaim
that God confided in him that Mr.
Mandela did not hearken to some
divine instruction – and so was put on
Saint Peter’s list of guests to expect
at the pearly gates. Yet another imam
– or pastor – would declare that a
clique of witches and wizards had
descended on the sick man,
determined to doom him. If he’s to
survive, he must personally contact
the clairvoyant imam or pastor to
receive special instructions on how to
win the spiritual warfare.
Mr. Mandela is a man of comfortable
means. He made a modest fortune
from advances and royalties on books
as well as earnings from his work as a
widely sought, handsomely rewarded
speaker on lecture circuits. He also
received a Nobel Peace Prize that
came with a handsome sum. In a word,
he’s worked – and worked hard – for
his money.
Now, if Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian,
he would be considered a capital fool
for working at all to earn money. To
work hard would make him nothing less
than a mumu, a Nigerian parlance that
suggests somebody is a step or two
worse than a fool. No, he would simply
announce himself, Obasanjo- or
Anenih-like, as a major “stakeholder.”
And then, pronto, some currency tap
would start gushing cash onto the
deep pockets of his agbada. (Which
reminds me: if Mr. Mandela were a
Nigerian, he would not be permitted to
sport those silly shirts he’s seen in.
With those shirts, who’s going to be
able to tell oga apart from his
houseboys? He must exchange them
for an endless line of lavishly
embroidered agbada, accentuating his
image as a human god).
If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, he
would have enough cash stashed away
in foreign vaults to make the Forbes
list of the world’s billionaires. Heck,
Nigerian civil servants who manage
pension funds are billionaires! Yet –
like most Nigerian billionaires – he
would not be in a haste to alert the
editors of Forbes to the size of his
assets. Heh, it’s not worth the
trouble; who wants to be playing hide-
and-seek with armed robbers and
kidnappers? He may not confide in
Forbes, but a Nigerian Mandela would
be the proud owner of numerous oil
blocks. He would be entitled to a
“security vote” that nets him, at
least, a billion naira per month. He
would own mansions in several
European capitals and resort
locations. He would own private jets,
his own private army (otherwise known
as thugs), a university or two, a
private cathedral or mosque,
controlling shares in several banks,
and enough high-priced cars to run an
automobile dealership.
Mr. Mandela is an enlightened man, a
towering moral figure who commands
respect around the world, a lawyer,
author and reader. Yes, he has the
stamina to put in the months and
years it takes to write a book. And he
is capable of staying still for hours or
days to read book. If he were a
Nigerian big man, he’d love to have a
book or two to his name – but the
content would be cliché-riddled
speeches written by bored, ill-
educated and often cynical
amanuenses. As for reading a book,
perish the thought! A friend of mine
once told a joke about one of
Nigeria’s illiterate moneymen.
According to him, this mind-ravaged
rich man laughed at people who,
behind his back, whispered that he
was unlettered. “I can read,” said the
traduced businessman. “I only care to
read the amount on my checks!”
That’s what a Nigerian Mandela would
learn to do.
If the legendary Mandela were a
Nigerian, he would not be addressed
simply as Mister. On Mandela’s first
visit to Nigeria, he was awarded an
honorary doctorate degree by – if my
memory serves me – the University of
Maiduguri. Since then, Nigerian
newspapers and magazines as well as
broadcast media have taken to
addressing the global icon as “Dr.”
Mandela. In the Nigerian media’s
imagination, by bestowing the prefix
“doctor” on Mandela, they have
somehow enhanced the man’s standing
in the world. What would the man be
without this generous beneficence
from Nigeria by way of Maiduguri?
It’s conventional wisdom in Nigeria
that titles, however hollow, matter. In
many quarters, the quality of a
person’s mind is of no consequence.
What matters is self-advertisement,
buttressed shamelessly in the
adornment of antiquated, silly
honorifics. So we went from
addressing people as Chief (which has
no meaning, really) to calling them
High Chief, Double Chief, or Double
High Chief – terms that inspire
embarrassment on behalf of those
who flaunt them. If Mandela were
Nigerian, he would be identified as
Triple High Chief (Sir) Barrister
Nelson Mandela, GCFR, Tigbuo Zogbuo
1 of Igboland, Aare Baba Dudu 1 of
Yorubaland, Alhaji Magajin Biu 1 of
Hausaland, etc, etc. He would be
overfed, weaned off his sprite,
sportsman’s physique. With his kind of
figure – a flat belly and all – you
can’t even aspire to become a local
government councilor in Nigeria! Day
and night, his staff and harem would
ply him with pomo stew, cow leg pepper
soup, pounded yam and egusi washed
down with six bottles of lager per
session – until he’s appropriately
fattened.
If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, his
claim to being a hero would be put to
the ethnic test. Only members of his
ethnic group would consider him an
exemplary man. To others, he would be
an object of ambivalent response: a
hero today, a villain tomorrow,
depending on what he’s said on what
issue.
If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, he
would never have spent more than one
week in prison. Why, the traditional
rulers from his district would have
gone as a delegation to his jailers,
apologized on his behalf for his unruly
opposition to the apartheid machinery
and pledged that they would ensure
that he show appropriate respect to
constituted authority. He would then
be released – cameras clicking to
capture the moment – to the “royal
fathers,” guarantors of his docility,
quiescence and submission to the
powers-that-be.
If Mr. Mandela were a Nigerian, he
would not be an ex-president, but a
president-for-life. His kinsmen would
have hired a dibia, babalawo or malam
to cure his “madness” when he
decided to step aside after only one
term as president. A Nigerian Mandela
would not be subject to any
constitutional limits on presidential
terms; the constitution would be
subject to him. Any part of the
constitution that runs counter to his
whims and caprices would be instantly
amended or – better still – ignored.
To make a short story long, if
Mandela were a Nigerian, then the
man and his stupendous moral capital
would not exist!

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okeyndibe
( okeyndibe@gmail.com )