​I Would Be A Pastor If I Had No Conscience By Ijabla Raymond

If I were conscienceless, I would become a Nigerian pastor.
I would collect tithes and offerings from widows, pensioners, students, workers on minimum wage and even the unemployed.

I would not care that many of these people could not afford hospital bills or tuition fees for their children.

I would use the money so collected to buy myself a private jet to take care of my businesses around the world.

I would own houses and properties around the world.

My suits and shoes would cost more than the annual salary of a doctor, university lecturer or a lawyer.

I would gift my mistresses posh cars, expensive houses, gold, and jewelry.

I would use the tithes and offerings I collect from pensioners, widows and the unemployed to pay for sex.

And when I am caught with my pants down, I would say it was all a set up by my enemies to bring me down. If this explanation seems unsatisfactory or unconvincing to my followers then I would offer to publish a more “robust” reply soon.

If my church members wonder why their life is a mess, I would blame marine spirits and witches (by which I mean their aged parents or other family members) or their sinful lives.

I would be answerable to no one. And if anyone demands accountability, I would threaten them with the Bible verse that says: “Touch not my anointed and do my prophet no harm.” This is the ultimate trump card – it shuts everyone up because, believe me, no Nigerian wants to go to hell.

Ijabla is a medical doctor and a humanist. He writes from the U.K.

Email: ijabijay@me.com

Twitter: @ijabijay

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