A dozen and one things to embarrass Buhari By Tunde Asaju

President Muhammadu Buhari
Shortly before he jetted out to London on a well-deserved recess, Sai Baba’s reaction to invigorated Boko Haram attacks was that the insurgents were trying to embarrass his government. That is the whole truth. Candidate Muhammadu Buhari’s promise to end the insurgency in three months should not have been taken literally. It is a reality of life that when politricians make promises, they do so only to woo the electorate for their votes. So, let us pretend that Sai Baba did not condemn the lacklustre attitude of President Jones or vilify him for missing the road to Chibok on governance GPS until votes were needed.
Everyday, militicians make additions to the political lexicon. We were trying to digest tactical manoeuvre, when a new one – technical defeat was added. By taking Sai Baba on his December 2015 deadline, the Boko insurgents were taking electoral promises at face value. Technically, Boko Haram stands defeated even if the residents of Dalori and sinnator Baba Kaka Garbai cannot see it. President Jones was right, terrorism is a global phenomenon and we should learn to live with it.
For now, let us concentrate on other things that are bound to embarrass the president. Just imagine; Naija has a resplendent Aso Rock that would this year gulp N3.9 billion in renovation, yet we have no Camp David resort. We could build one in Daura. It is embarrassing to think that the president of the most populous black nation has no hiding; sorry I meant relaxation spot in his own country. The consolation is that London is Naija’s 37th state with hibernation lairs for goats like James Onanefe Ibori and shepherds like Sai Baba. Even Madam Globe is there treating the oily cancer of corruption.
If Sai Baba is in London for health tourism, as his enemies want us to believe, he would be embarrassed to find that in any hospital he turns, there are Naija-trained health care providers to meet his very needs. What could be more embarrassing than to leave your country because its hospitals have moved from being mere consultancy clinics to being disqualified from functioning as morgues? But Baba Zahra is poised to stop this embarrassment dead on its tracks – there’s a N4.8 billion budget for Aso Clinic refurbishment in this year’s budget.
Thus far, the UK has repatriated nearly 600 Naija criminals back home, which is embarrassing on its own. But Sai Baba should thank his stars that unlike candidate Muhammadu Buhari who used to fly economy class to London, PMB has been putting to good use the 11 presidential jets inherited from the ineffectual buffoon. It would have been embarrassing to the letter and spirit of convalescence to be on the same flight with criminal deportees. What embarrassment it would’ve been if David Cameron deports Naija nurses; doctors, engineers, teachers etc. back home where their services are needed to drive real change?
I know Mr President is supposed to be resting, but how could anyone rest from the woes that sprout daily in this country like lemongrass after a harmattan fire? While the presidential jet was navigating the dangerous European airspace for a presidential resort, WAEC released the latest examination results showing a 61% national failure rate. This must be embarrassing to the president especially since the president’s home state Katsina and mine, Kogi are on the lowest rung of the intellectual ladder.
To reduce Mr. President’s political blood pressure, there is good news somewhere in London. The Imafidon twins passed the Advanced Math’s A-level exam in flying colours at the age of eight. They are good citizens, not the criminals the president referred to and David Cameron is unlikely to put them on the next deportation plane heading home. The Benin-born patriarch has a success gene that is needed for cloning in Naija especially the human-trafficking-prone Edo. The older daughter, Anne-Marie broke the A-level computing record when she was just 13 years old. At 11 years, Christina Imafidon broke British records to become the first undergraduate at any British tertiary institution. It would be embarrassing if Sai Baba’s request to see the Imafidons were denied, because David Cameron has registered them as residents of Waltham Forest, which thankfully is not an extension of Sambisa.
It would be embarrassing to explain that those kids with Naija blood in them did so well in London while Sai Baba’s ‘criminal’ Naija races to win Guinness records as West Africa’s uncrowned dullards.
Nobody should deliberately set out to embarrass my president the way other issues such as darkness, unemployment, bad roads, dilapidated educational and health facilities, corruption, armed robbery and underdevelopment has. Let’s all wish Mr. President a sweet rest in London. Naija needs a reinvigorated leader capable of turning criminals into patriots and embarrassing issues into enviable global testimonies. They thought they voted for one and they are praying that he would wake up someday and deliver on promises and stop embarrassing his citizens and blaming everyone else but his own unpreparedness to govern.

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